A few of my old buddies sends me things once in awhile and I got to say some say it all.  So for those that live in the country, or have country at heart, here are a few rules we put in place for Ontario.  Could apply for other Provinces too though.  Take A Look.

Welcome to Ontario

Just in Time for Summer Vacation

THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn’t crooked.

3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? Hwy 7 & 401 goes east and west, Hwy 15 & 416 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Ontario waves. It’s called ‘being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There’s little for ‘vegetarians’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Ontario Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Maple Leafs and Montreal Habs, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for our earth and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Armed Forces. So don’t mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).

20. TWO inches of snow & ice isn’t a blizzard – it’s a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON’T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

You know Bill Cosby wrote an article awhile back and got to say it kind of is the way I have been thinking.  Take a look.

I  HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase:
‘Press 1 for English’ is immediately banned.
English is the official language;  speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. The USA and Canada will allow NO imports,  and we’ll do no exports.     We will use the ‘Wal-Mart ‘s policy,  ‘If  we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’  We’ll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required
to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States and the border of Canada
(six month tour).
They will be under strict orders not to fire on  south bound  aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn’t put nuttin in, you ain’t gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare.– Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes — Steroids?  The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned from sports … for life.

(8). Crime — We will adopt the Turkish method,  i.e.,  the  first time you steal,  you lose your right hand. There is no more ‘life sentences’. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation,  etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American or Canadian taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it’s a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance  will be said  every  day at  school and  every  day  in  the US Congress.

(12). The National Anthem  will  be played at all appropriate ceremonies,  sporting events,  outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes …. nevertheless….

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND CANADA!

Sincerely,  Bill Cosby