Pretty Good Article

Wish I’d thought of this!

Elder Banking…  !

Shown  below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86

year old  woman.

The bank  manager thought it amusing enough to have  it published in

the New York Times.

        ————————————————————————–

        Dear  Sir:

        I am writing  to thank you for bouncing my check with which

I endeavoured to pay my  plumber last month.

        By my  calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed

between his presenting  the check and the arrival in my account of the

funds needed to honour  it..

        I refer, of  course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

entire pension, an  arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for

only eight  years.

        You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for  debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to  your bank.

        My  thankfulness springs from the manner in which this

incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed

that whereas I personally  answer your telephone calls and letters,

— when I try to contact you, I  am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless  entity which your bank has

become.

        From now on,  I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood  person.

        My mortgage  and loan repayments will therefore and

hereafter no longer be automatic,  but will arrive at your bank, by

check, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must  nominate.

        Be aware that  it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any

other person to open such an  envelope.

        Please find  attached an Application Contact which I require

your chosen employee to  complete.

        I am sorry it  runs to eight pages, but in order that I know

as much about him or her as  your bank knows about me, there is no

alternative.

        Please note  that all copies of his or her medical history

must be countersigned by a  Notary Public, and the mandatory details

of his/her financial situation  (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented  proof.

        In due  course, at MY convenience, I will issue your

employee with a PIN number  which he/she must quote in dealings with

me.

        I regret that  it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,

again, I have modelled it on the  number of button presses required of

me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service.

        As they say,  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

        Let me level  the playing field even further.

        When you call  me, press buttons as follows:

        IMMEDIATELY  AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH

        #1. To make  an appointment to see me

        #2. To query  a missing payment.

        #3. To  transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.

        #4 To  transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am  sleeping.

        #5. To  transfer the call to my toilet in case I am

attending to  nature.

        #6. To  transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at  home.

        #7. To leave  a message on my computer, a password to access

my computer is  required.

        Password will  be communicated to you at a later date to

that Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

        #8. To return  to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through  10

        #9. To make a  general complaint or inquiry.

        The contact  will then be put on hold, pending the attention

of my automated answering  service.

        #10. This is  a second reminder to press* for English.

        While this  may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

        Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also

levy an establishment fee to  cover the setting up of this new

arrangement.

        May I wish  you a happy, if ever so slightly less

prosperous, New  Year?

        Your Humble  Client

        And  remember: Don’t make old  people mad. We don’t like

being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to …. us  off.