Perks of being over Sixty 

1) Over Sixties - One-liners
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. 
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
15. You sing along with elevator music. 
16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires’.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued – and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be ‘unacceptable fire’, and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost ‘in the fires’.

After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, “39 AND HOLDING.”
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, “AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?”

“DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?” THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
“YES, SIR,” THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
“WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,” THE BOSS WENT ON. “AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, “YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?”
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, “WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES.”

Now here is a picture of what we all  will soon be driving.  Hmm……kind of think I was using one of them years ago. Oh well, what goes around comes around.  A good friend sent it to me and thought I would share.  Click On Picture For a Clearer View.

PALM SUNDAY :
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.  WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES .  THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. “PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.”
“WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT,” THE BOY FUMED, “THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!”